Admit it. The moon looks like a stupid butt. Hanging in the sky, all pock-marked and tidal locked like a fool. I can hear Audrey yelling at me already, as she’s very protective of the moon, and has objected in the past to my desire to mine it of all its dirty moon rocks and Helium-3.
But it’s only a matter of time before we finally come to terms with the fact that we have the most boring moon in the solar system and decide to just do away with the thing. It has no atmosphere, no volcanic activity, and no oceans of liquid methane. We would have been back to the moon a hundred times over if there was a chance that we could find organisms swimming around next to undersea thermal vents on another world. All it has to show for itself is moon rocks and ice crystals in the regolith.
Not that I’m completely anti-lunar. It’s just that after Friday’s comic, I thought it would make an irresistibly hilarious target for Neil deGrasse Tyson’s ire. It wouldn’t be the first time somebody has given the moon a good ribbing. By the end of The Tick, the moon was half eaten by a Galactus parody character and scrawled with “CHA” during a failed attempt by Chairface Chippendale to write his name on it. You can read other examples of the moon being defaced here. Really! It’s a thing.
I think the fun/terror of it all derives from the fact that people do take slights at our moon so personally. You either laugh, or recoil in horror at the thought at harming the thing. What makes this dusty rock so special? Is it because it’s our dusty rock? Or is it a leftover sentiment from our moon-god worshiping days? Admittedly, it’s hard not to look up at a beautiful full moon and sigh at the way it floats among the milky way…
…and wish it had ice volcanoes.
This post was brought to you by Oxygen (O). Did I mention the moon has none? What a waste.
We’re sorry if our moon-hating posts have offended you. Here is a classic song for those of you who Like the Moon.
In the name of good fun, I went into Universe Sandbox and turned the tables a bit. I gave the moon its own moon. Specifically, I put the dwarf planet Makemake in orbit around our special little nighttime companion. It totally worked too, no grab-ass from Earth’s gravity or disruption of the moon’s orbit. Just a beautiful epicycle that would make Ptolemy proud.
Bonus: Here is a larger version of the newspaper in the first panel. Because I see you all squinting at it. Enjoy!
Bonus 2: I was invited to the opening of Baba Brinkman and Jamie Simmonds’ Rap Guide to Evolution last night. I felt very VIP. I want to congratulate and thank them both for a wonderful evening, especially to Jamie, to whom I seem to have developed a budding bromance. Full report on the event coming soon!