There is no exaggeration here.
Well maybe a little. The air is so dry, and the cheap carpet is so terrible at my workplace that taking any more than three steps turns you into a walking capacitor, ready to deliver a self-destructive payload upon being properly grounded. I have taken to everything from being in constant contact with metal surfaces to stuffing all my pockets and lining my shoes with drier sheets. On the upside, I’ve never smelled fresher!
The more quirkily apparent tactic I’ve adopted (aside from the odd drier sheet falling out of my pant leg and the aroma of fresh linen) is pushing open doors with my forearm to disperse the charge over a wider surface area. It works, kids, try it! You see, the when current travels through a resistive material, it produces heat, and believe it or not, human beings are terrible conductors. But air is also very resistive, so when the current travels from your finger tip to the doorknob, it gets very hot. The result is an electrical arc.
It’s important to realize that when you see bolts of electricity, you are not seeing the energy, but merely what it is doing to the air. In this case, it superheats it into a plasma and gives off light as the electrons from one atom to another along its path are bumped into their higher energy shells. In a finger-to-doorknob shock, your finger is at one end of this bit of superheated air, and that smarts!
Am I overreacting? Ehhh maybe. To avoid this minor pain, I’ve also been seen bro-fisting elevator buttons, fist-bumping doors before I open them, and giving dap to the refrigerator. I am dead serious. But laugh it up all you want.
Next time I see you, you’re getting zapped.
ATTENTION: I was drawing a comic as a late addendum to Nadir’s recent Reductio Ad Absurdum series, and realized that the character I was using never received a name, despite my fondness for him. Who am I talking about? This guy:
…and to be clear, I mean the one on the left. No, seriously. What do I call this guy? What do I name this strange, disgruntled time travelling man who illustrates paradoxes and cosmological oddities for us? His motives are unknown, his temperament is of surly resignation.
I want suggestions from all of you! Good ones! I feel this is a great way to get you readers involved, and the reward will be always knowing that you named the fellow pictured above Chip Dipshit (I kid you not, thats what his temporary name is now. No bueno.)
Oh, you will also receive a free Angry Wizard T-Shirt. Because I’m a cool guy like that, and the upcoming T-Shirt store needs a test drive!
To enter, e-mail us your name idea with the subject “Please Do Not Name Him Chip Dipshit” or “Please Do Name Him Chip Dipshit” if that name really tickles your fancy. Nadir and I will judge the names like the fist of an angry deity and choose a winner amongst the entries. The contest ends REALLY SOON since I want to debut his new comic on Monday or Wednesday. Good luck!
GO IT, YE TIGERS!
This post was brought to you by Germanium (Ge).